Mortality, Trials, Emotions and Friends

Hello kids!!!! It is I Friggen Ben back for yet another walk through my head. It's been a busy couple of weeks since we last went for a walk. My dad made it through surgery okay. He had some complications after surgery but it looks like things are well on the path to recovery. So that is a blessing and I am very thankful for everyone that said a prayer or sent kind thoughts our way. Thank you.

I have been debating for a few days about writing a new blog. I got several things I really would LOVE to discuss but they are somewhat of a sensitive nature and I am just not sure anything needs to be said at this time. Drama has an awesome way of rearing its' ugly head from time to time and somehow I find myself in the middle of it all. I don't see the need to re-hash old shit even if it is quite entertaining.

With that being said let me share an exciting event that happened just last evening. As most of you know I do an internet radio show on BlogTalk Radio. Through the course of doing the show I have met some very wonderful people that I believe I can safely call my friends. One such individual goes my the moniker Doctor Anonymous. He happens to be a primary care physician in the Youngstown, Ohio area. We had been talking for over a year about actually sitting down one day over dinner and meeting in person and hanging out. Well, that actually came to fruition last night at the local Buffalo Wild Wings. It was about a 5 1/2 hour meeting and I honestly had a great time. Doctor Anonymous is a real class act and an all around great guy. I look forward to doing it again sometime in the future.

As you can tell I am all over the place with this blog but thus is the mind of Friggen Ben. I will be having surgery soon. I am down to one more nutritionist appointment which will be on July 30th. I imagine things will begin to progress rapidly from that point. To say I am not scared or nervous would be a lie. It's definitely a VERY BIG decision that I am undertaking for my life. It's a change in lifestyle and a sacrifice of many things in life that I really enjoy. This is what I want, and this is what I need to do for ME and for my family. This is not a spur of the moment decision as some seem to think. This has been an ongoing process with me for the last two and a half years. Lots of thought and emotions have been put into this decision.

The thought of surgery is a scary prospect for anyone. With surgery comes the risk that a person can die from a complication. This has actually been what is weighing on my mind lately. I must confess, it is not a bit enjoyable to question ones' own mortality. You might say I am taking this a bit too far or going a bit overboard with this but this is MY LIFE... this is ME going under the knife for a VERY risky surgery. Being obese makes me a high risk patient. Family medical history and the list of complications don't make this procedure any easier.

I took time off from BlogTalk Radio about the time the whole process of this started. I began to do things I ordinarily wouldn't do, such as hang out with a bunch of people outside of work at BW's and just all around try and enjoy life. I am trying to make the best of everything and I am trying to enjoy every minute of every waking hour while maintaining my daily responsibilities of working and being a father. I have been trying to spend as much time with those I consider friends in these last few months because who knows... these dinners, movies, etc may very well be the last few times that we can share together. You can call me morbid or taking this to an extreme but this is part of MY process of dealing with this and being able to satisfy MY emotions and MY feelings so that I can go into surgery without a care in the world. So if I am asking you to do something or hang out with me... consider it an honor because I consider you a friend and I want to spend that time with you. I understand people have to live their lives so don't feel as though you have to but it would be nice to spend a little time with you if you can find it in your schedule.

From an emotional standpoint, I have come to terms with my mortality. Where once I was afraid to die, I can look it in the eye and say if now is my time, then so be it. I have done my work here on this earth and I have experienced many things in my short life. Sure, there are so many more things I look forward too and I am not going into this at all like I won't make it through. I am confident in the skills of the doctor and the hospital to bring me safely through. However, if it is my time then I am ready.

I have always been a religious man. Sadly, I lost my faith some years ago and I have struggled to find it in recent years. Over the next few weeks I will begin trying to seek out answers I have been looking for and trying to mend that relationship with God. I do believe in God and I do believe that Jesus died for me on a cross 2000 years ago so that I can someday cross over into "heaven". I doubt like most people. I have questions. Lots of questions without many answers. I think I will be successful in seeking out what I have been looking for.

I guess if there is one thing I can ask from anyone who might read this. That's just be supportive of me. I may go through a period where I kinda become a bit unresponsive to everyone. I will most likely spend a lot of time keeping to myself, not really talking to anyone much. This is all part of the process with me and this is how I deal with overwhelming things. Please understand that. Nothing is wrong. I am just preparing myself for the things that are coming.

Thank you to everyone who is supportive of me and who I can really call FRIEND. I am thankful for each and every one of you. You all know who you are. Each of you are special to me and I hope I am as deserving on your side of things to be your friend. Thank you everyone. I think this is the best place to stop for now. I will probably begin to blog a bit more through the next few weeks. This is how I deal with difficult things and it seems to help. I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoy writing it. Till next time, that's it for now.