Ever walked into a bustling room full of people who are conversating loudly and just all around having a good time only to be met by a strong sense of "Oh hi... I don't belong here?" or "Oh.... it's THAT guy?" If you have, were those people co-workers and "friends"? How did that make YOU feel? It's amazing how something so small and subtle can ruin your whole day huh? The best part of explaining that situation to someone is the excuses you get for that happening in the first place. Excuses like, "Oh I am sure they were pretty well tipsy by that point", or "They have a lot going on right now". The excuses of life and the justifications to go along with them... gotta love it.
How about spending a father's day with two of your children and not hearing "Happy Father's Day" from either of them? To make that same father's day even more memorable, how about not even getting to talk to your other two children at all because their mother is so irresponsible and can't afford to pay her bills so she has working telephone service... OR... she could just care less if her children talk to their father in the first place so she doesn't permit them to use the phone.
I received approximately 3 Happy Father's Day wishes on Sunday. One was from my friend Maria, one was from my friend Ann, and the other was from my friend Denise. None from my children, none from my family, and the ones I did receive were from friends. Friends that really didn't have to go out of their way to wish me a happy father's day but they consider me a good enough friend who they felt was deserving of the kind words. Thank you to all three of you wonderful and special ladies. It meant a lot to me, thank you.
On a day that was filled with relaxing and the constant whining of my daughter because she is always "bored" and never satisfied with life because she is an evil being known as a teenager, I did however get the privelage of calling my father and wishing him a Happy Father's Day. Something, I would NOT have done the previous year or the last several years for that matter. My dad is making an effort to be a part in my life even though he is so far away so I am trying to respect that in him and returning that. Things are going farly well so far and I hope to go down and visit him in South Carolina sometime soon. I'll save that for another blog though.
As I had such an interesting weekend with not so pleasant experiences it drives a person to do a lot of thinking when you have some idle time. As most of you know, I am a night owl and I seldom get to bed most nights until 1:00-1:30 AM. I enjoy the time between 11:30-1:30 because it is always quiet and it provides a great time to reflect on the events of the day. I often find myself quietly listening to my iPod and randomly selecting one of the many artists I listen to break the silence.
Conversations with friends over the last week have led to some interesting topics to think about. I have friends who are really going through a lot of stuff right now and it always saddens me a little to see such young people struggling with their relationships, work, and just all around life in general. Now, you would think I am like 80 years old or something the way I talk but I am only 34 years old and the majority of my friends tend to be in their early twenties to mid twenties with a few in the late twenties to early thirties. I just don't understand how some people deal with the things they are going through but the truth is.. I went through much of the same crap when I was about their age and a lot of it I went through more then once.
I begin to question whether I am really happy being alone. I have been alone for a while. I don't like being alone but dealing with more hurt and more crap is by far a deterrant to change that. I wonder to myself, why have things changed so much in the last 20-30 years? I have often spoke of my grandparents and how they were married over 50 years and it never stops to amaze me that they stayed together for so long. I know they had problems but they never considered divorce as a solution to those problems. It just seems to me that divorce or breaking up with someone in our day and age is the "easy way out" of a situation so you don't have to work for something you really care about.
Perhaps maybe I am assuming that people really are capable of caring? Perhaps that is where I have it all wrong. If people cared about the person they are with would they really do things to hurt them? Would you really be dishonest with someone you cared about? Would you cheat on someone you cared about? Would you hit someone you cared about? Where is respect, love, trust, honor, and commitment in today's relationships? Does it exist?
I think this is a good place to stop for this blog. Perhaps, if you are reading this you will do some self analysis and think about what I have said. There is a lot to think about here, I know, but if ALL of us would take something from what I was thinking then perhaps we all would be happier and have more healthy relationships. Thank you for reading yet another blog entry and till next time... Friggen Ben out.
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
Reflections, Updates and Maybes?
You know they say, "Time heals all wounds"? As soon as you figure out who "They" are we'll get together and compare notes. It's amazing how time makes a difference on so many things. For instance, 16 years ago yesterday, (June 7th), I graduated from high school. Six and a half months ago I started this blogging adventure to share what's on my mind and for people to get to know me a little better. I also find this to be very therapeutic in that I can get things off of my chest and vocalize things I have trouble talking about in person.
I wrote a blog on my birthday that really touched a lot of people, and I received a lot of feedback in regards to that blog. To refresh a few memories that blog consisted of my thoughts and feelings toward my father and how our relationship had grown very distant in the last 20 years of our lives. My life has changed since I wrote that blog. I can only assume that my father read what I had written in that blog at some point, because it wasn't long after I wrote that blog that we began to open lines of communication up and we really began to talk.
We have had several lengthy conversations over the last several months and I finally had my outlet to explain to my dad that I miss having him around and that I do love him because he is my dad. He seems to be doing a pretty good job of trying to communicate with me and likewise I return that gesture. He knows how I feel and have felt for many years and I think he finally understands how much he has meant to me. I even get an "I love you" from my dad now when we close our conversations. That means the world to hear my dad say that.
I just thought I would like to share that update with everyone who has read my other blogs because sometimes things do have a happy ending. I would like to note that we are still early in rebuilding a relationship again after 20 years of practically nothing. My dad is undergoing knee surgery at noon tomorrow. He has had his knees rebuilt several times now. He used to jog to keep in shape and unfortunately, that constant pounding on the pavement has taken its' toll on the knees. I will be saying a prayer for him about noon tomorrow. We chatted online earlier this evening so I at least got to talk to him a bit before he goes under the knife tomorrow. Thank you dad for your effort and time and I look forward to many more conversations. Good luck tomorrow.
I have a lot of things that seem to be running through my mind tonight. Unfortunately, I go through little spurts where the mind just decides to kick into overdrive and race for some unknown finish line. It's a very tiresome experience and it is mentally draining. I have come to the conclusion that this is my bodies' way of cleansing itself in order to cope with the rigors of dealing with life and the pains I face day in and day out. Pains which are both physical and mental. It takes a lot to get through a day anymore. Interestingly enough though it all seems to come back around to time.
My daughter, Bethany, is officially an eighth grader as of yesterday. I am so happy that she is back home with me. She is my world, and she is why I wake up and go to work every day. The sad reality of it all though is that I have 3 other children who are just as important to me. I get to see the youngest every other weekend and on holidays but I am not so lucky with the middle two. I don't get to talk to them because of the immaturity of their mother and her irresponsibility. She can't pay her bills and keep a phone turned on long enough for me to be able to call them on any type of routine schedule. I don't get to see them but maybe once a year if I am lucky. When I do talk to them or actually get to see them they are always so beaten down and depressed it is never an enjoyable time. This haunts me every waking moment and even finds me in my dreams causing me many restless hours of sleep.
I would like to thank Mike, Maria, Kelsey, and Winnie for the good times we have had recently. I have been going out to BW's, (Buffalo Wild Wings for those of you under a rock), on occasion and just hanging out to break the insanity of life. It means a lot to just kick back and relax with good company and forget about anything else for a while. I also would like to thank them for having the patience to deal with my daughter, who usually tags along and hangs out right along with us, because I know she can be very trying when it comes to the patience. She has as much fun as I do and we thank you.
When I am not hanging out with the awesome people mentioned above, I tend to do too much thinking. I have recently been talking to someone who I think I can consider a dear friend at this point. (?~?) <--- That's a secret code... hahahaha. Anyway, we have shared some awesome discussions over the course of the last few weeks. Our discussions tend to make a person think about how lonely a person is. At least, I know it has for me. The quiet and solitude of being alone has its' perks but I miss sharing my attention and my time with someone else. We all know how well the last few experiences turned out for me though lol.
I have lived a pretty hard life, and continue to face my own difficulties. I know others have had to deal with a lot more and we could all sit here and compare stories to see who really has it the worst but we might be here for a while. Life seems to rely on logistics and unfortunately my logistics never seem to be in the right place at the right time. Maybe someday I can finally be truly happy.. Maybe someday I won't be alone... Maybe someday I will find someone who actually cares and understands the importance of trust and love...
Well folks, I think that is enough reflection and sharing for one night. I thank you for your time as you read through my ramblings. I will try and update this again soon. My surgery is fast approaching and things are on track for an August surgery. Until next time, I leave you with one last parting word of advice. BEWARE THE SNAGGLETOOTH!!!!!
I wrote a blog on my birthday that really touched a lot of people, and I received a lot of feedback in regards to that blog. To refresh a few memories that blog consisted of my thoughts and feelings toward my father and how our relationship had grown very distant in the last 20 years of our lives. My life has changed since I wrote that blog. I can only assume that my father read what I had written in that blog at some point, because it wasn't long after I wrote that blog that we began to open lines of communication up and we really began to talk.
We have had several lengthy conversations over the last several months and I finally had my outlet to explain to my dad that I miss having him around and that I do love him because he is my dad. He seems to be doing a pretty good job of trying to communicate with me and likewise I return that gesture. He knows how I feel and have felt for many years and I think he finally understands how much he has meant to me. I even get an "I love you" from my dad now when we close our conversations. That means the world to hear my dad say that.
I just thought I would like to share that update with everyone who has read my other blogs because sometimes things do have a happy ending. I would like to note that we are still early in rebuilding a relationship again after 20 years of practically nothing. My dad is undergoing knee surgery at noon tomorrow. He has had his knees rebuilt several times now. He used to jog to keep in shape and unfortunately, that constant pounding on the pavement has taken its' toll on the knees. I will be saying a prayer for him about noon tomorrow. We chatted online earlier this evening so I at least got to talk to him a bit before he goes under the knife tomorrow. Thank you dad for your effort and time and I look forward to many more conversations. Good luck tomorrow.
I have a lot of things that seem to be running through my mind tonight. Unfortunately, I go through little spurts where the mind just decides to kick into overdrive and race for some unknown finish line. It's a very tiresome experience and it is mentally draining. I have come to the conclusion that this is my bodies' way of cleansing itself in order to cope with the rigors of dealing with life and the pains I face day in and day out. Pains which are both physical and mental. It takes a lot to get through a day anymore. Interestingly enough though it all seems to come back around to time.
My daughter, Bethany, is officially an eighth grader as of yesterday. I am so happy that she is back home with me. She is my world, and she is why I wake up and go to work every day. The sad reality of it all though is that I have 3 other children who are just as important to me. I get to see the youngest every other weekend and on holidays but I am not so lucky with the middle two. I don't get to talk to them because of the immaturity of their mother and her irresponsibility. She can't pay her bills and keep a phone turned on long enough for me to be able to call them on any type of routine schedule. I don't get to see them but maybe once a year if I am lucky. When I do talk to them or actually get to see them they are always so beaten down and depressed it is never an enjoyable time. This haunts me every waking moment and even finds me in my dreams causing me many restless hours of sleep.
I would like to thank Mike, Maria, Kelsey, and Winnie for the good times we have had recently. I have been going out to BW's, (Buffalo Wild Wings for those of you under a rock), on occasion and just hanging out to break the insanity of life. It means a lot to just kick back and relax with good company and forget about anything else for a while. I also would like to thank them for having the patience to deal with my daughter, who usually tags along and hangs out right along with us, because I know she can be very trying when it comes to the patience. She has as much fun as I do and we thank you.
When I am not hanging out with the awesome people mentioned above, I tend to do too much thinking. I have recently been talking to someone who I think I can consider a dear friend at this point. (?~?) <--- That's a secret code... hahahaha. Anyway, we have shared some awesome discussions over the course of the last few weeks. Our discussions tend to make a person think about how lonely a person is. At least, I know it has for me. The quiet and solitude of being alone has its' perks but I miss sharing my attention and my time with someone else. We all know how well the last few experiences turned out for me though lol.
I have lived a pretty hard life, and continue to face my own difficulties. I know others have had to deal with a lot more and we could all sit here and compare stories to see who really has it the worst but we might be here for a while. Life seems to rely on logistics and unfortunately my logistics never seem to be in the right place at the right time. Maybe someday I can finally be truly happy.. Maybe someday I won't be alone... Maybe someday I will find someone who actually cares and understands the importance of trust and love...
Well folks, I think that is enough reflection and sharing for one night. I thank you for your time as you read through my ramblings. I will try and update this again soon. My surgery is fast approaching and things are on track for an August surgery. Until next time, I leave you with one last parting word of advice. BEWARE THE SNAGGLETOOTH!!!!!
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