News of the day: Ohio State beats Michigan to claim Big Ten Championship and a trip to the Rose Bowl. That's awesome because I am a huge Ohio State Buckeye fan and I absolutely hate that team up north. Congratulations to Jim Tressel and the entire Ohio State football program on a fine season and a chance to shine once again on the national stage in the Rose Bowl... but that's not what this blog is about. For many this game means the end of football season, but it has other meaning to me. It means that Thanksgiving is on my doorstep. In fact Thanksgiving is this coming Thursday and I honestly do not feel "thankful".
Honestly, what is there to be thankful for? Well, I guess I am alive. I was able to wake up this morning and enjoy another day on this Earth. Is that really something to be thankful for in this day and age with the horrible economy and the unemployment rate skyrocketing, crime rampant throughout many of our communities, children being abused, and the world teetering on the brink of destruction. Wow, that sounded like a depressing potpourri didn't it? Well I am sorry but I am trying to keep it real.
I am thankful I have a job that is stressing me out. I am thankful for the family I have. That same family I only see and spend any time with on holidays such as Thanksgiving. That's something to be thankful for... a family that certainly doesn't "act like a family". A family that I do not doubt loves each other very much but the foundation of THIS family passed on when my grandfather died. It has not been the same since.
The highlight of my week will most likely be going to my aunt's house on Thursday for a dinner and watching a little football before everyone departs on their separate ways to finish their day however they feel obligated. All of my cousins' on my fathers' side of the family will be there... with all of their children. My children will not be here. I will be attending alone. I will arrive alone. I will leave alone. I will arrive home alone.
You can be thankful for time together with "family" but I say SCREW YOU. My family is not spending the time with me. I have no wife, I have no place I can call MY HOME, I have no children to go with me and spend the day "together" while everyone else celebrates how thankful they are for that time together. So I say SCREW YOU and your "Thanksgiving".
I am thankful you are thankful. I am there because it's my "duty" to make an annual appearance and to give me something to do. I am there because I have no one else to spend the day with. I am there trying to fit in. I will leave sad. I allow myself to sit through that, watching you spend time with your kids in jealous envy. I struggle to fit in as I have and always will be the outcast of this family. Do I appreciate the feeling of receiving an invite because you feel guilty or sorry for me? Thus is the Mind of Friggen Ben on ANY holiday, not just Thanksgiving.
Happy Thanksgiving everyone. You may have things to be thankful for but remember not everyone shares your sentiment. Can we please get through this week so I can begin preparation for the disaster known as Christmas? And so the process repeats all over again. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year. Cheers.
Saturday, November 21, 2009
Saturday, November 7, 2009
Thank you Veteran's and Don't Judge a Book by its' Cover.
My dad served this country for over twenty years as a proud member of the United States Air Force. He continues to serve this country even now working FOR the United States Air Force as a civilian doing the same job he did as an enlisted member of the military. He served overseas on many occasions and participated in the Persian Gulf War. He is a veteran, he is a great man, he is a patriot, and he is my dad. Thank you dad for making this country safe not only for me but all of you fine Americans reading this blog. He is one man, out of MANY men and women who put their lives on the line EVERY day for you and me so that we can call this great country home. Veteran's Day is this week on November 11th so be sure to thank a member of our Armed Forces both current and former for the freedoms they have protected. If you are a veteran or current service member, Thank you for your dedication and bravery and God Bless you.
I tell you that to tell you this, men and women should not have to die in THIS country because of some selfish son of a bitch who has it bad and wants to kill himself. People, if you are depressed and feeling like killing yourself that's fine, go ahead, kill yourself, but do it alone. Why do these people feel the need to take people with them? I see it weekly, murder suicides and mass shootings from these cowardly people who want to go out in a blaze of glory. The bad thing about it all, they kill so many people and then they live!!! How is that fair? I think if you do something stupid like this AND LIVE you should be charged as a domestic terrorist. You are no better then the men who hijacked planes on 9/11 and killed thousands of people. You just didn't have a plane to take more with you or a building to crash the plane into. That's enough of me ranting.
I wanted to share with you guys a little about my week. I don't lead an exciting life at all. I don't drink, I don't take drugs, and I have but a few friends. The excitement of my day is getting up to go to work in the morning and working a 8-9 hour day and talking to customers all day for the phone company. I then come home, climb in my favorite chair, log onto my laptop, and hang out talking to friends online, and reading news stories that hopefully will spark my interest enough to make it on the show on Sundays. I have no kids around anymore to occupy my time so my days tend to pass as a blur.
To take this discussion a tad further, and a little deeper into my mind.. because after all I am the tour guide around here.. so you're stuck with me, so deal with it and enjoy the ride. Those that know me know I am a large man, but to put it boldly I am a fat man. I am a fat man in poor health. I have high blood pressure, degenerative arthritis in my feet that is so bad I find it very difficult to even walk some days. I have low self esteem that has always been a struggle with me and even more so as the last 14 years of my life have progressed through failed relationships. Somehow I have this notion deep inside that it is ME that caused my relationships to fail because I wasn't good enough for them. I know there is more but it pains me to get past that notion that eats at me. I can't play with my kids like a normal parent out in the yard or in the house for that matter because of my feet hurting most days and because I can't really exercise to even be fit enough to keep up with them.
I decided to do something about this last year. I had been researching the bariatric surgery for weight loss and after much deliberation and soul searching I decided that this was the best thing for me to do not only for myself but for my kids and my family. I went through a screening process at a clinic in Columbus, Ohio and was very excited for this procedure only to have the door slammed in my face by the Insurance Company denying the procedure that the doctor says is medically necessary for me to live a long and happy life with my kids. It's one year later and I am no closer to having the surgery done then I was a year ago. I want this surgery, I need this surgery, or I will die before it's my time and I will have cheated my kids, my family, and my friends out of precious time with me.
Being a fat guy in American is such an awful thing to talk about. People treat you so awful. They look down their noses at you, and judge you without knowing your story. I am not fat because I want to be. It's not fun. I am a person. I have feelings just like you. I care. I just feel so helpless to do anything about it. Once you get to a point such as where I am at it's not as simple as "going on a diet" and exercising. There are health concerns that prevent the loss of weight and sadly my feet prevent me from doing just that. People love fat guys though, we are great listeners and they are the one person who has is worse off then you. There is more to a person then the large body that you look at each day. For me, there is a loving person inside that would do ANYTHING for anyone. I am a forgiving and compassionate man with family values and traditional old fashioned ethics. I don't walk the runway in my stylish clothes and strut myself on the catwalk.. so no one notices you otherwise.. that is until you have a problem and need someone to talk to.
I am fighting even now to have my surgery. Someday it will be approved. I will have it. I will lose this weight. I will be a better person. I will be a healthier person. You will see. All you people who turned your nose up at me.. I will still be here for you because that's how I am. If I take time from my day to listen to you and comfort you in your time of need.. it's because I care.. not because I am fat and have nothing better to do. There is more to a person then what you see. Get to know people before you judge them. Don't always judge that book by it's cover. You may have a bestseller in front of you and not even know it until you pick it up and read it. Thanks for reading my blog again. If you like what you read stop back often. I will try and share as often as I can stand to open my brain for you to come inside and look around. Till next time, come by Llama 80 and enjoy the show. I look forward to seeing you. Have a good night.
I tell you that to tell you this, men and women should not have to die in THIS country because of some selfish son of a bitch who has it bad and wants to kill himself. People, if you are depressed and feeling like killing yourself that's fine, go ahead, kill yourself, but do it alone. Why do these people feel the need to take people with them? I see it weekly, murder suicides and mass shootings from these cowardly people who want to go out in a blaze of glory. The bad thing about it all, they kill so many people and then they live!!! How is that fair? I think if you do something stupid like this AND LIVE you should be charged as a domestic terrorist. You are no better then the men who hijacked planes on 9/11 and killed thousands of people. You just didn't have a plane to take more with you or a building to crash the plane into. That's enough of me ranting.
I wanted to share with you guys a little about my week. I don't lead an exciting life at all. I don't drink, I don't take drugs, and I have but a few friends. The excitement of my day is getting up to go to work in the morning and working a 8-9 hour day and talking to customers all day for the phone company. I then come home, climb in my favorite chair, log onto my laptop, and hang out talking to friends online, and reading news stories that hopefully will spark my interest enough to make it on the show on Sundays. I have no kids around anymore to occupy my time so my days tend to pass as a blur.
To take this discussion a tad further, and a little deeper into my mind.. because after all I am the tour guide around here.. so you're stuck with me, so deal with it and enjoy the ride. Those that know me know I am a large man, but to put it boldly I am a fat man. I am a fat man in poor health. I have high blood pressure, degenerative arthritis in my feet that is so bad I find it very difficult to even walk some days. I have low self esteem that has always been a struggle with me and even more so as the last 14 years of my life have progressed through failed relationships. Somehow I have this notion deep inside that it is ME that caused my relationships to fail because I wasn't good enough for them. I know there is more but it pains me to get past that notion that eats at me. I can't play with my kids like a normal parent out in the yard or in the house for that matter because of my feet hurting most days and because I can't really exercise to even be fit enough to keep up with them.
I decided to do something about this last year. I had been researching the bariatric surgery for weight loss and after much deliberation and soul searching I decided that this was the best thing for me to do not only for myself but for my kids and my family. I went through a screening process at a clinic in Columbus, Ohio and was very excited for this procedure only to have the door slammed in my face by the Insurance Company denying the procedure that the doctor says is medically necessary for me to live a long and happy life with my kids. It's one year later and I am no closer to having the surgery done then I was a year ago. I want this surgery, I need this surgery, or I will die before it's my time and I will have cheated my kids, my family, and my friends out of precious time with me.
Being a fat guy in American is such an awful thing to talk about. People treat you so awful. They look down their noses at you, and judge you without knowing your story. I am not fat because I want to be. It's not fun. I am a person. I have feelings just like you. I care. I just feel so helpless to do anything about it. Once you get to a point such as where I am at it's not as simple as "going on a diet" and exercising. There are health concerns that prevent the loss of weight and sadly my feet prevent me from doing just that. People love fat guys though, we are great listeners and they are the one person who has is worse off then you. There is more to a person then the large body that you look at each day. For me, there is a loving person inside that would do ANYTHING for anyone. I am a forgiving and compassionate man with family values and traditional old fashioned ethics. I don't walk the runway in my stylish clothes and strut myself on the catwalk.. so no one notices you otherwise.. that is until you have a problem and need someone to talk to.
I am fighting even now to have my surgery. Someday it will be approved. I will have it. I will lose this weight. I will be a better person. I will be a healthier person. You will see. All you people who turned your nose up at me.. I will still be here for you because that's how I am. If I take time from my day to listen to you and comfort you in your time of need.. it's because I care.. not because I am fat and have nothing better to do. There is more to a person then what you see. Get to know people before you judge them. Don't always judge that book by it's cover. You may have a bestseller in front of you and not even know it until you pick it up and read it. Thanks for reading my blog again. If you like what you read stop back often. I will try and share as often as I can stand to open my brain for you to come inside and look around. Till next time, come by Llama 80 and enjoy the show. I look forward to seeing you. Have a good night.
Wednesday, November 4, 2009
Introduction to The Mind of Friggen BenQ
My grandfather was a great man. It saddens me to think that he has been gone now for several years and yet I find myself thinking about him on occasion. Like today for instance, I am sitting here in my favorite chair, listening to of all things, Sugarland, and wondering what might be a good thing to write about with memories of my grandfather teasing my inner psyche. I am sure that my listening to Sugarland may surprise some of you but I am quite the music lover and take pleasure in many genres of music. Tonight's choice just happened to be Sugarland, and Jennifer Nettles if you are reading this, CALL ME we would love to have you on the show.
My grandfather was a quiet man. He only said something when it was something that needed to be said. When he did speak, you listened. In my real life, that is when I am not acting like a fool on my computer/radio show/social networking site/etc., I am a very different person. I am quiet, I speak softly and I only raise my voice when something warrants an elevated tone. I talk to only a few people about my life as a whole. I have lived such a hard life and been through some very unpleasant things that I find it difficult to talk to people about my feelings. Now before you say to yourself what the hell is Friggen BenQ talking about... I am not going to get all mushy on you and start blogging about my problems or my feelings. What I am going to do though is use this blog to share a little about myself each chance I get so that you get to see there is more to the nutty guy you listen to every week and use this to discuss a pressing issue in my life for the week. With that being said let me get back on topic here.
My grandfather was married for over 50 years to my grandmother. Can you imagine that? Some people don't even live 50 years!!! You think this interesting tidbit is amazing let me tell you about my great-grandparents who were each over 100 years old when they passed away. They were married over 75 years!!! Now that is a statistic that completely amazes me as the world's life expectancy RIGHT NOW is 65 years. They were married longer then MOST PEOPLE LIVE!!! Take a moment to think about that. They survived the Great Depression, World War I and II, Vietnam, Korean War, and all current campaigns. I can't wrap my head around their lives.
I was married for about 8 years to my ex-wife. Our relationship didn't last because of several factors. I was raised in a Christian home that was a broken home as my parents divorced when I was 5. I wanted to break the trend. I wanted to prove them, the world, and myself that my marriage would last and I would "Live Happily Ever After". Boy was I wrong. I have been reading the occasional anniversary post on Facebook or Myspace and I wish those posters well and marital success in a world that is riddled with divorce and infidelity. To all of those not yet celebrating their anniversary this year I wish strength and longevity upon your relationship.
I talk with many friends, often at unusual times of the night as I tend to be a night owl and stay up late trying to get sleep that fails me. I see others struggling with their own personal demons from failed relationships and then there is others who are in the primes of their life trying to find their perfect partner to settle down with. So much hurt and happiness in a days worth of discussions to write a Hollywood Soap Opera. Perhaps I should write a screenplay?
I have been involved in three serious relationships through the last 14-15 years of my life, each ending in some painful memory or experience and sending me running with my tail tucked snugly between my legs. God was gracious enough to allow me to partake in the gift of life and as a result I now have four beautiful children. They are my life and the light to brighten a dark day. When things get me down I always remember that they love me unconditionally no matter how many miles separate us, and I return the same. I am sure those of you who have kids know exactly what I am talking about.
You may find that on the show, I joke about Jesse's mom every chance I get. She is a wonderful woman, who works hard for everything she has in life and she has brought Jesse along well. I also have this odd infatuation with llamas as most of you know. No I really don't own llamas, or molest them for that matter. In fact I have only seen a llama in real life from the comfort of my car in passing or on television. I don't think I have every seen one up close and personal. I would like to though cause they are a rather intriguing animal.
Well I think that's enough sharing for this week. I have given you plenty to think about over the next few days. I am sure we can take inventory of our lives and find areas we all need to work on to better ourselves in the "real world". I know I sure do. I cuss to much. That's one area I need to work on. Won't you join me next time to take a walk with me through my mind? You may find something you like in here. If you do find something wont you tell me about? Feel free to leave me a comment. Let me know how I am doing on the show or even how I am as a tour guide. See you all soon. God Bless.
My grandfather was a quiet man. He only said something when it was something that needed to be said. When he did speak, you listened. In my real life, that is when I am not acting like a fool on my computer/radio show/social networking site/etc., I am a very different person. I am quiet, I speak softly and I only raise my voice when something warrants an elevated tone. I talk to only a few people about my life as a whole. I have lived such a hard life and been through some very unpleasant things that I find it difficult to talk to people about my feelings. Now before you say to yourself what the hell is Friggen BenQ talking about... I am not going to get all mushy on you and start blogging about my problems or my feelings. What I am going to do though is use this blog to share a little about myself each chance I get so that you get to see there is more to the nutty guy you listen to every week and use this to discuss a pressing issue in my life for the week. With that being said let me get back on topic here.
My grandfather was married for over 50 years to my grandmother. Can you imagine that? Some people don't even live 50 years!!! You think this interesting tidbit is amazing let me tell you about my great-grandparents who were each over 100 years old when they passed away. They were married over 75 years!!! Now that is a statistic that completely amazes me as the world's life expectancy RIGHT NOW is 65 years. They were married longer then MOST PEOPLE LIVE!!! Take a moment to think about that. They survived the Great Depression, World War I and II, Vietnam, Korean War, and all current campaigns. I can't wrap my head around their lives.
I was married for about 8 years to my ex-wife. Our relationship didn't last because of several factors. I was raised in a Christian home that was a broken home as my parents divorced when I was 5. I wanted to break the trend. I wanted to prove them, the world, and myself that my marriage would last and I would "Live Happily Ever After". Boy was I wrong. I have been reading the occasional anniversary post on Facebook or Myspace and I wish those posters well and marital success in a world that is riddled with divorce and infidelity. To all of those not yet celebrating their anniversary this year I wish strength and longevity upon your relationship.
I talk with many friends, often at unusual times of the night as I tend to be a night owl and stay up late trying to get sleep that fails me. I see others struggling with their own personal demons from failed relationships and then there is others who are in the primes of their life trying to find their perfect partner to settle down with. So much hurt and happiness in a days worth of discussions to write a Hollywood Soap Opera. Perhaps I should write a screenplay?
I have been involved in three serious relationships through the last 14-15 years of my life, each ending in some painful memory or experience and sending me running with my tail tucked snugly between my legs. God was gracious enough to allow me to partake in the gift of life and as a result I now have four beautiful children. They are my life and the light to brighten a dark day. When things get me down I always remember that they love me unconditionally no matter how many miles separate us, and I return the same. I am sure those of you who have kids know exactly what I am talking about.
You may find that on the show, I joke about Jesse's mom every chance I get. She is a wonderful woman, who works hard for everything she has in life and she has brought Jesse along well. I also have this odd infatuation with llamas as most of you know. No I really don't own llamas, or molest them for that matter. In fact I have only seen a llama in real life from the comfort of my car in passing or on television. I don't think I have every seen one up close and personal. I would like to though cause they are a rather intriguing animal.
Well I think that's enough sharing for this week. I have given you plenty to think about over the next few days. I am sure we can take inventory of our lives and find areas we all need to work on to better ourselves in the "real world". I know I sure do. I cuss to much. That's one area I need to work on. Won't you join me next time to take a walk with me through my mind? You may find something you like in here. If you do find something wont you tell me about? Feel free to leave me a comment. Let me know how I am doing on the show or even how I am as a tour guide. See you all soon. God Bless.
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