January 11th is my birthday. That's today. Happy Birthday to me. I am 34 years old today. Wow. I have been alive for 34 years and sadly I can't say today was a "special" day. My birthdays are quite honestly filled with hurt and pain more so then happy times these days. I always look forward to a new challenging year. The exciting twists and turns that life throws at me in each and every year. That however is NOT what this blog is about.
Let me begin by thanking a few people before I get into the "good stuff" of this award winning Page Six Blog. I would like to thank the many men and women who I can truthfully call my friends for sending me kind birthday wishes today on Facebook or who went an extra mile and sent me a personalized text message or even told me in person. Thank you each and every one of you special people. I would also like to thank a special friend, Maria, for spending the day BEFORE my birthday with me watching Avatar in IMAX 3D and for a great dinner at Applebees afterward. (I see you.. lol... yes, yes I know I am a scoun) I would also like to thank my dear mother who had a cake waiting on me when I got home from work.. candles and all.. lol She even was able to get me a couple of gifts. Thanks mom, I love you.
As much as each and every one of you dear friends mean to me, you cannot completely understand the emptiness I am feeling tonight as the hours wind down on this my 34th birthday. Why is there such an emptiness? Well let be try and shed some light on that emptiness so that you understand yet another part of me. So prepare yourselves as we travel into the mind of Friggen BenQ. Absent from birthday wishes today were those from my children. I did receive a call from them tonight. That always bring a smile to my face as I miss them A LOT. However, it wasn't until they were reminded by my mother that today was my birthday they remembered. I can overlook their mistake cause they are just that, children with more important things to worry about then the birthday of their old man.
The most noticeable person I did not receive a "Happy Birthday" from today was ... My Dad. Absent from an email, a card, a letter, or even a phone call was my father. You can say the same for last year, the year before that, and yes the YEARS before that too. I have not heard the words "Happy Birthday" come from my dads mouth since I was a young boy. Just to keep this historically correct there was a time when I would get a birthday card with a check inside with a very impersonal rushed note that simply said "Happy Birthday". One could argue it's the "thought that counts" but where is he the rest of the year?
My dad wrote me off years ago it would seem. He had his Air Force career, he had his 2 sons (my half brothers), and his wife (my stepmom), and I suppose he had me the son who was absent from sight and absent from mind. At some point in the last 20 years I fell of my dad's radar to never return. He lives in South Carolina and I live in Ohio. He knows my number and he never calls. I used to try and call but I am not gonna try when I am the only on trying. Why bother. We have went the last 20 years and if I were to take a wild guess we have seen each other maybe a TOTAL of about 2 weeks out of the last 20 years. I guess I just am not good enough. I guess my kids just aren't good enough.
My dad does not know my kids. Like me, he has chosen to not be a part of their lives and you know what? I don't really give a shit. You have missed out on the best years of their lives, watching them grow up and become what they are today. They are great kids and yet you don't know a damn thing about them. What they like, whose personality they take after, what they aspire to be when they grow up. You have missed out on my life.. I have missed out on your life. I have missed talking to you. My life is shit and if I never amount to anything you'll never know cause you already feel that way about me anyway. I am that son you wish would just go away. The thing that makes me mad about it all is the fact that I love you because you are my dad. I wish you would take some initiative to know your grandkids and some initiative to spend some time with me before you die. You're not getting any younger and you most certainly are not gonna be here forever. I am 34 years old. You don't have to raise me, I am a man now. Life has taught me the lessons I need to know to get through the next day. Life has taught me that people can be mean, and people take everything for granted. You have taken my life for granted and one day you aren't going to be here.
I am 34 years old and I still long to have a dad. I still long to talk to MY dad, and spend some time with MY dad. I NEED to hear "Happy Birthday Son".... I NEED to hear "Good Job Son"... I NEED to hear "I am proud of you son". I probably never will. Guess what? I blew candles out on a cake tonight that said I was 34 years old and I made a wish. I hope my wish comes true. Happy Birthday to me!!! Here's to another year!!! Thanks dad it's good to hear from you too. This blogs for YOU!!
*** NOTE *** Since posting this blog, I have received a birthday card from my dad with a personal note written inside. Perhaps maybe he read this blog and it got his attention. I am not going to get too excited over a card but I will confess it was a nice gesture and perhaps a start of opening some lines of communication.
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Very powerful, Ben. You are far stronger of a person than you might think. You also know what YOUR priorities are. Love your kids and be there for them.
ReplyDeleteI can relate dude. Even though my dad wasn't in another state, he might as well have been. So, I know pretty much how you feel about these things.
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