You know they say, "Time heals all wounds"? As soon as you figure out who "They" are we'll get together and compare notes. It's amazing how time makes a difference on so many things. For instance, 16 years ago yesterday, (June 7th), I graduated from high school. Six and a half months ago I started this blogging adventure to share what's on my mind and for people to get to know me a little better. I also find this to be very therapeutic in that I can get things off of my chest and vocalize things I have trouble talking about in person.
I wrote a blog on my birthday that really touched a lot of people, and I received a lot of feedback in regards to that blog. To refresh a few memories that blog consisted of my thoughts and feelings toward my father and how our relationship had grown very distant in the last 20 years of our lives. My life has changed since I wrote that blog. I can only assume that my father read what I had written in that blog at some point, because it wasn't long after I wrote that blog that we began to open lines of communication up and we really began to talk.
We have had several lengthy conversations over the last several months and I finally had my outlet to explain to my dad that I miss having him around and that I do love him because he is my dad. He seems to be doing a pretty good job of trying to communicate with me and likewise I return that gesture. He knows how I feel and have felt for many years and I think he finally understands how much he has meant to me. I even get an "I love you" from my dad now when we close our conversations. That means the world to hear my dad say that.
I just thought I would like to share that update with everyone who has read my other blogs because sometimes things do have a happy ending. I would like to note that we are still early in rebuilding a relationship again after 20 years of practically nothing. My dad is undergoing knee surgery at noon tomorrow. He has had his knees rebuilt several times now. He used to jog to keep in shape and unfortunately, that constant pounding on the pavement has taken its' toll on the knees. I will be saying a prayer for him about noon tomorrow. We chatted online earlier this evening so I at least got to talk to him a bit before he goes under the knife tomorrow. Thank you dad for your effort and time and I look forward to many more conversations. Good luck tomorrow.
I have a lot of things that seem to be running through my mind tonight. Unfortunately, I go through little spurts where the mind just decides to kick into overdrive and race for some unknown finish line. It's a very tiresome experience and it is mentally draining. I have come to the conclusion that this is my bodies' way of cleansing itself in order to cope with the rigors of dealing with life and the pains I face day in and day out. Pains which are both physical and mental. It takes a lot to get through a day anymore. Interestingly enough though it all seems to come back around to time.
My daughter, Bethany, is officially an eighth grader as of yesterday. I am so happy that she is back home with me. She is my world, and she is why I wake up and go to work every day. The sad reality of it all though is that I have 3 other children who are just as important to me. I get to see the youngest every other weekend and on holidays but I am not so lucky with the middle two. I don't get to talk to them because of the immaturity of their mother and her irresponsibility. She can't pay her bills and keep a phone turned on long enough for me to be able to call them on any type of routine schedule. I don't get to see them but maybe once a year if I am lucky. When I do talk to them or actually get to see them they are always so beaten down and depressed it is never an enjoyable time. This haunts me every waking moment and even finds me in my dreams causing me many restless hours of sleep.
I would like to thank Mike, Maria, Kelsey, and Winnie for the good times we have had recently. I have been going out to BW's, (Buffalo Wild Wings for those of you under a rock), on occasion and just hanging out to break the insanity of life. It means a lot to just kick back and relax with good company and forget about anything else for a while. I also would like to thank them for having the patience to deal with my daughter, who usually tags along and hangs out right along with us, because I know she can be very trying when it comes to the patience. She has as much fun as I do and we thank you.
When I am not hanging out with the awesome people mentioned above, I tend to do too much thinking. I have recently been talking to someone who I think I can consider a dear friend at this point. (?~?) <--- That's a secret code... hahahaha. Anyway, we have shared some awesome discussions over the course of the last few weeks. Our discussions tend to make a person think about how lonely a person is. At least, I know it has for me. The quiet and solitude of being alone has its' perks but I miss sharing my attention and my time with someone else. We all know how well the last few experiences turned out for me though lol.
I have lived a pretty hard life, and continue to face my own difficulties. I know others have had to deal with a lot more and we could all sit here and compare stories to see who really has it the worst but we might be here for a while. Life seems to rely on logistics and unfortunately my logistics never seem to be in the right place at the right time. Maybe someday I can finally be truly happy.. Maybe someday I won't be alone... Maybe someday I will find someone who actually cares and understands the importance of trust and love...
Well folks, I think that is enough reflection and sharing for one night. I thank you for your time as you read through my ramblings. I will try and update this again soon. My surgery is fast approaching and things are on track for an August surgery. Until next time, I leave you with one last parting word of advice. BEWARE THE SNAGGLETOOTH!!!!!
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We all have a rugged exterior Ben. I have no one. Not even kids. I feel your emptiness. No one to bitch too about your bad days. No one to engage your social receptors with stories about their day. It's as if we go so long without having to care for someone other than our families that we nearly forget how to manage.
ReplyDeleteGlad to hear this about your father. My dad and I have always been close. But my mother and I have had a strain ever since their divorce and her guilt tactics. And now she lives in FL and we talk daily. Funny how things play out as we grow and never stop growing.
Loneliness is pain and I used to supplement it with notoriety but you can only stick your ass between so many tits before it becomes shallow and loses it's luster. I miss my BTR family very much but going back to that is nearly impossible when I tried to escape it all to begin with. And now Travis is beginning to know how it felt for me. If only Eddie understood that he is my friend and I care for him. I just had to do me and break free from monotony and underhanded people. And so now I spiral on my own and no one is watching. The things we keep bottled so as not to awaken concerns we wish not to deal with. I feel ya Ben. Move forward.