Today marks twelve days. That's two days shy of being a full two weeks. What am I talking about you ask? I am talking about the days until my surgery. My surgery is scheduled for Tuesday, November 9th at 8:30 AM. That is twelve days from today. This all began in January of last year and has been a long road of fighting with insurance companies, and doing many medical tests, and studies as well as a dietary regimen. Finally the results will be well worth all of the hard work and the fight to get to where I am now.
In recent months I have written blogs about the things I am struggling with and the feelings that go along with this whole process. I often think about the risks that I am putting myself through in order to have this procedure done but the risks of NOT having the procedure done far outweigh anything that could happen during or after the procedure. I thought I had come to terms with my own mortality several months ago, however a lot has changed in the last few months that really have caused me to question a lot of the things I was once comfortable with.
Some of you may be a long time reader of my blogs, and you know that I have a relationship with my father that has been very difficult for a number of years. One good thing about this process, is that my dad and I have began to develop and rebuild a relationship that has been non-existent for many years. I can still tell you that there is a lot more that BOTH of us could be doing to make things work but at least we are talking more now. We share things with each other about our lives and I even get to hear an "I Love You Son" when we end all of our phone conversations. I really do look forward to spending some time with my dad in the years to come. The distance between us makes that difficult but it's something I want and need to do. I think he feels much the same.
In addition to building a relationship with my father I have began to build a relationship with a wonderful lady by the name of Jill. We went to high school together, although she was a class in front of me and graduated in 1993 and I in 1994. We, have really gotten to know each other in the last month in a half. Things seem to be moving so fast yet they seem to be so perfect and so right. We share similar likes and dislikes, we both have children, and sadly we both have not so impressive former relationships. We love spending time with each other and things are going so good that I will be moving in with Jill into her home sometime in December after my surgery.
It is difficult for me to express in my blog how I feel about Jill. When I think about her I miss her, I get the butterflies in my belly that everyone talks about when they are "in love"... something is different with her then ANY of my past relationships. She makes me feel safe with her.. safe to talk to her and she accepts me for who I am with no strings attached. Likewise, she says the same about me. I think fate has brought two people together that have needed that special person who makes them feel truly happy and loved. I am thankful for her everyday and I want to spend the rest of my life with her.
With all of that being said, this throws me into the hands of confusion and needless worry. I have more to consider as I go into this whole procedure. The thought of EVERYTHING coming together in the last few months with my dad, and the fact that I have someone to be by my side through all of this and to love unconditionally in Jill make me worry about the things that you really can't control. What if I were to die during surgery... Would this be some joke for a higher power to torment so many people for the rest of their lives? Sure I will be dead.. I wont have a thought about any of this after I am dead.. but HOW CRUEL would it be to my dad or even Jill... or the rest of my family to go through everything I have went through and to finally reach TRUE HAPPINESS only for it to be taken from me?
I have come to terms with the fact of death. I cannot control when it is my time to die. I don't know when I will die. I personally do not think everything would be coming to the conclusions of happiness only for the sheer entertainment of a higher power to torment several people. I have confidence in my surgeon, and his staff. I believe he is more the capable to bring me through this procedure. I also have confidence that the good Lord will bring me through this procedure to the waiting arms of Jill and my family. I have doubts, I am human after all. I worry like everyone else. However, I try not to worry about things I have no control over. This is one of those such times. I try not to think about it.
I thank each and every one of you for reading my blogs. These blogs are helpful to me in that I can get things off of my mind and chest that have been bothering me. I think a majority of you share similar concerns regarding many of your own life struggles and challenges. Hopefully me sharing my thoughts on things I am going through will help someone else get through a difficult time that they may be having. If you are somewhat religiously inclined, I would ask that you say a prayer for me to get through the next couple weeks and the surgery. Even if you aren't, keep me in your thoughts. Thank you.
Wednesday, October 27, 2010
Sunday, October 3, 2010
Surgery, Life, and True Love....
Greetings friends, it's been quite some time since I posted my last blog. This blog will most likely NOT be one of my normal blogs but you know.. Let's just roll with it an see what happens. There has been a lot of things happening since I last updated you on the mind of Friggen Ben. I will share with you that I am sitting here at work on Sunday, October 3rd during Conversion weekend. Unfortunately, things are a bit unorganized at the moment and I actually have a bit of free time to sit and organize my thoughts. I will caution the casual reader who has not read my other blogs that this may be a little more in directed and insightful then some past blogs. Either way.. I hope you enjoy this friendly look into my life.
I would first like to give an update to all of my friends/family that frequent my blog with regards to my surgery. I have completed ALL of my tests required for surgery. My Pre-Op appointment is scheduled for October 15th. My surgery is now scheduled for November 9th. I am super excited for that because it has definitely been a long road with lots of obstacles and hard work.
With that update out of the way, let me move on to the good stuff. I have met someone. Not just anyone. I think I may have actually met THE ONE... The one that EVERYONE seeks in their lives'... The soul mate that makes you feel as though nothing else in your life was ever as important... The one that makes your heart melt when you hear their voice... The one who you just can't wait to see again and spend time with... The one that just feels so right that you hope the moment never ends.
About a month ago, I was sitting at work and I was checking out the Facebook status messages for the day on my break and I stumbled on one from a nice woman whom I went to high school with. She was having a bad day. For whatever reason, I don't know what possessed me to do it, I felt the urge to check her profile page to see if she had a phone number listed. Turns out she did. So, with that phone number in hand I proceeded to text her with a motivating text in an effort to cheer her up and to try and bring a smile to her face... and the rest was history as they say.
That text on that day.. actually led to my very own text from HER the following day as I was having a bad day at work. The text was very nice and it did make my day sooo much better. It was then that we began to talk in the evening via text message. What started out as little conversations turned into lengthy conversations via text as well as Facebook chat and Yahoo messenger. I found myself staying up quite late EVERY night just for the chance to talk to this individual.
We met in person at a Mansfield Senior High football game for the first time in 16-17 years. It was nice to meet in person although it was a nervous, anxious time for both of us. We met in a more formal setting for dinner later that week and through the course of that week we talked and we talked and we made a connection that I have never made with ANYONE in my entire life. We shared things with each other that would normally take MONTHS to come out and talk about.
Throughout the last month, I can tell everyone that I think that.. let me change that.. I KNOW THAT someone special has came into my life. To have someone who respects me for me, who doesn't care about what I look like, or what flaws I might have, and understands that I am human and make mistakes, and also understands the hurt I have been through.. is refreshing. I have never met a more amazing woman. She is beautiful in every sense of the word, both inside and out. I would never imagine that I would find someone who is so special in my entire life.
I have been hurt very bad in my past.. and, having gone through that I have not allowed myself to open up too many people. The walls I hide behind protect me from being hurt, but generally they prevent me from getting too close to anyone. This woman has made it so easy to talk too... she has melted those walls... she has eased my fears and I trust her with my heart and I know there is something different about her. For the FIRST time in my life I believe I can say that perhaps I do believe in true love. I have never felt like this EVER!!
By now, I am sure you think I am a rambling fool... and you are right. I am a mess.. I have never felt like I do right now. Things seem so right. Things seem so good. Be happy for me. Be happy for us. Thank you everyone for the time you take to read my blogs. I could go on and on but I think this is a good place to stop. My next blog will be after my Pre-Op appointment. Have a good week friends.
I would first like to give an update to all of my friends/family that frequent my blog with regards to my surgery. I have completed ALL of my tests required for surgery. My Pre-Op appointment is scheduled for October 15th. My surgery is now scheduled for November 9th. I am super excited for that because it has definitely been a long road with lots of obstacles and hard work.
With that update out of the way, let me move on to the good stuff. I have met someone. Not just anyone. I think I may have actually met THE ONE... The one that EVERYONE seeks in their lives'... The soul mate that makes you feel as though nothing else in your life was ever as important... The one that makes your heart melt when you hear their voice... The one who you just can't wait to see again and spend time with... The one that just feels so right that you hope the moment never ends.
About a month ago, I was sitting at work and I was checking out the Facebook status messages for the day on my break and I stumbled on one from a nice woman whom I went to high school with. She was having a bad day. For whatever reason, I don't know what possessed me to do it, I felt the urge to check her profile page to see if she had a phone number listed. Turns out she did. So, with that phone number in hand I proceeded to text her with a motivating text in an effort to cheer her up and to try and bring a smile to her face... and the rest was history as they say.
That text on that day.. actually led to my very own text from HER the following day as I was having a bad day at work. The text was very nice and it did make my day sooo much better. It was then that we began to talk in the evening via text message. What started out as little conversations turned into lengthy conversations via text as well as Facebook chat and Yahoo messenger. I found myself staying up quite late EVERY night just for the chance to talk to this individual.
We met in person at a Mansfield Senior High football game for the first time in 16-17 years. It was nice to meet in person although it was a nervous, anxious time for both of us. We met in a more formal setting for dinner later that week and through the course of that week we talked and we talked and we made a connection that I have never made with ANYONE in my entire life. We shared things with each other that would normally take MONTHS to come out and talk about.
Throughout the last month, I can tell everyone that I think that.. let me change that.. I KNOW THAT someone special has came into my life. To have someone who respects me for me, who doesn't care about what I look like, or what flaws I might have, and understands that I am human and make mistakes, and also understands the hurt I have been through.. is refreshing. I have never met a more amazing woman. She is beautiful in every sense of the word, both inside and out. I would never imagine that I would find someone who is so special in my entire life.
I have been hurt very bad in my past.. and, having gone through that I have not allowed myself to open up too many people. The walls I hide behind protect me from being hurt, but generally they prevent me from getting too close to anyone. This woman has made it so easy to talk too... she has melted those walls... she has eased my fears and I trust her with my heart and I know there is something different about her. For the FIRST time in my life I believe I can say that perhaps I do believe in true love. I have never felt like this EVER!!
By now, I am sure you think I am a rambling fool... and you are right. I am a mess.. I have never felt like I do right now. Things seem so right. Things seem so good. Be happy for me. Be happy for us. Thank you everyone for the time you take to read my blogs. I could go on and on but I think this is a good place to stop. My next blog will be after my Pre-Op appointment. Have a good week friends.
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