Pre-Surgical Thoughts and Happenings

Today marks twelve days. That's two days shy of being a full two weeks. What am I talking about you ask? I am talking about the days until my surgery. My surgery is scheduled for Tuesday, November 9th at 8:30 AM. That is twelve days from today. This all began in January of last year and has been a long road of fighting with insurance companies, and doing many medical tests, and studies as well as a dietary regimen. Finally the results will be well worth all of the hard work and the fight to get to where I am now.

In recent months I have written blogs about the things I am struggling with and the feelings that go along with this whole process. I often think about the risks that I am putting myself through in order to have this procedure done but the risks of NOT having the procedure done far outweigh anything that could happen during or after the procedure. I thought I had come to terms with my own mortality several months ago, however a lot has changed in the last few months that really have caused me to question a lot of the things I was once comfortable with.

Some of you may be a long time reader of my blogs, and you know that I have a relationship with my father that has been very difficult for a number of years. One good thing about this process, is that my dad and I have began to develop and rebuild a relationship that has been non-existent for many years. I can still tell you that there is a lot more that BOTH of us could be doing to make things work but at least we are talking more now. We share things with each other about our lives and I even get to hear an "I Love You Son" when we end all of our phone conversations. I really do look forward to spending some time with my dad in the years to come. The distance between us makes that difficult but it's something I want and need to do. I think he feels much the same.

In addition to building a relationship with my father I have began to build a relationship with a wonderful lady by the name of Jill. We went to high school together, although she was a class in front of me and graduated in 1993 and I in 1994. We, have really gotten to know each other in the last month in a half. Things seem to be moving so fast yet they seem to be so perfect and so right. We share similar likes and dislikes, we both have children, and sadly we both have not so impressive former relationships. We love spending time with each other and things are going so good that I will be moving in with Jill into her home sometime in December after my surgery.

It is difficult for me to express in my blog how I feel about Jill. When I think about her I miss her, I get the butterflies in my belly that everyone talks about when they are "in love"... something is different with her then ANY of my past relationships. She makes me feel safe with her.. safe to talk to her and she accepts me for who I am with no strings attached. Likewise, she says the same about me. I think fate has brought two people together that have needed that special person who makes them feel truly happy and loved. I am thankful for her everyday and I want to spend the rest of my life with her.

With all of that being said, this throws me into the hands of confusion and needless worry. I have more to consider as I go into this whole procedure. The thought of EVERYTHING coming together in the last few months with my dad, and the fact that I have someone to be by my side through all of this and to love unconditionally in Jill make me worry about the things that you really can't control. What if I were to die during surgery... Would this be some joke for a higher power to torment so many people for the rest of their lives? Sure I will be dead.. I wont have a thought about any of this after I am dead.. but HOW CRUEL would it be to my dad or even Jill... or the rest of my family to go through everything I have went through and to finally reach TRUE HAPPINESS only for it to be taken from me?

I have come to terms with the fact of death. I cannot control when it is my time to die. I don't know when I will die. I personally do not think everything would be coming to the conclusions of happiness only for the sheer entertainment of a higher power to torment several people. I have confidence in my surgeon, and his staff. I believe he is more the capable to bring me through this procedure. I also have confidence that the good Lord will bring me through this procedure to the waiting arms of Jill and my family. I have doubts, I am human after all. I worry like everyone else. However, I try not to worry about things I have no control over. This is one of those such times. I try not to think about it.

I thank each and every one of you for reading my blogs. These blogs are helpful to me in that I can get things off of my mind and chest that have been bothering me. I think a majority of you share similar concerns regarding many of your own life struggles and challenges. Hopefully me sharing my thoughts on things I am going through will help someone else get through a difficult time that they may be having. If you are somewhat religiously inclined, I would ask that you say a prayer for me to get through the next couple weeks and the surgery. Even if you aren't, keep me in your thoughts. Thank you.