I really miss food. Today is day 5 of the liquid diet I am required to eat prior to surgery. There seems to be a method to this madness. The liquid diet consists of pretty much all protein, and no carbohydrates. The diet, in theory, gives you the necessary amount of protein through the day to live and maintain proper muscle mass while forcing the liver to use up the stored carbohydrates and sugars forcing it to shrink. The importance of shrinking the liver is so that it can be safely moved out of the way during surgery so the surgeon can do his thing. So, while I would never wish this diet on ANYONE, it has a purpose and I have been doing what I need to do daily during this difficult time.
Some of the naysayers are pointing their fingers and saying "Oh I am sure you will be fine and you will live", in their very selfish way. What people don't realize is that I am a 355 pound man that was eating probably close to 2000 calories a day on Tuesday to eating 600 calories a day via liquid protein drinks on Wednesday. This has not been easy by no means. To go to work and have a team meeting on my last day of work where the entire team is eating pizza and I can't eat any is quite difficult. To watch my family eat McDonald's while I can't eat any myself is very difficult. I am gonna have to get used to it though. This is the life I have chosen to lead.
I am a little bit concerned with everything that is going on in my life. Everything has happened so fast. My daughter and I moved into Jill's house yesterday. I am happy with that decision. It makes things much easier for both of us in that we can spend more time together and don't have to run back and forth between two houses anymore. It also means we will both get more sleep since we were staying up quite late trying to to squeeze in time for each other. It is something we have talked about and we agreed upon. I could not be any happier with my relationship with Jill and how things are progressing. I welcome the new life we have started together and I look forward to the next chapter in our lives.
With that being said, I am concerned that all of this is putting a burden on her and her son because of the timing of everything. She tells me that she is okay with everything and she is here to support me and be here for me in any way that I may need. She has always been very supportive of me and my decisions since we met. I guess maybe I should respect her decision in that she is okay with everything but I can't help but wonder if there are things she doesn't tell me. I don't want her to get stressed out trying to take care of me after surgery. I don't want to put additional stress on her and cause her more then she is willing and able to deal with. I love her very much and hold her to the highest possible regard because of how amazing she is. She means the world and so much more to me.
With about 30 hours to go until my surgery, the nerves are starting to creep in. I am scared, I am not going to lie or even try and sugarcoat it. A person who seldom worries about things I have no control over is worrying a little. It's a difficult process and I really have a lot on my mind. I know I seem distant at times when you try and talk to me. I am not ignoring you. I am simply lost in thought trying to work through some of the things running through my mind. I try and find things to distract myself because when I am not distracted I sit and think and my mind races. I hope if you are reading this and you are interacting with me in these last few days this helps clear some things up. Well, I may write more in the next day or so. Look for more after the surgery as I am sure there will be lots of thoughts and emotions post-surgery.
I ask that you keep me in your thoughts and prayers over the next couple days as I am really going through a lot. I thank all of you wonderful people that read my blogs and I thank each and every one of you that I can truly call my friend or family. I look forward to many years of of blogging and happiness. Goodnight.
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