Surgery with Current Thoughts and Feelings

The day began in a surgical waiting area, nervously chatting with my daughter and Jill about casual things and putting on a remarkable show of "Nothings wrong". My grandmother and aunt arrived within the first 25 minutes or so and more putting on a show and chatting casually with them while I waited for my name to be called to be taken to the surgery prep room. One person could go with me to this room. I don't know where to even begin to share what was REALLY going through my mind at this point. The best way I can explain this is a death row inmate waiting for the guard to lead him to the execution room.

As I patiently waited for my mom and step-dad to arrive.. my name was called. A nice nurse, (who was slightly goofy), read off my name and asked me my birth date. We turned a few corners, boarded an elevator to a destination I cannot remember, hopped on a scale and weighed in at 347 lbs (Beginning weight of this process was 373 lbs), and then was led to my own little room, if you wanna call it that. Here I am instructed to strip down to nothing and put the dreaded gown on that shows my ass to the world. Everything began to go in fast forward at this point. The anesthesiologist came in and started the IV in my hand and I must say he did a remarkable job and I barely felt it. The next thing was panty hose on my legs... really??!?!

Finally they were done prepping me for surgery. The nurse went and got the rest of my family to visit with me one last time before surgery. My mom and step-dad had finally arrives and of course Jill was by my side through this entire process, and I am sure she was having a giggle or two as they prepped me for surgery. After a prayer, a few kisses and an "I Love You" the time had arrived. Another nurse came to take me to surgery. I was now being wheeled to death row. That's truly what it thought. I was on the verge of tears. I wanted to jump out of the bed and run screaming down the hall... "I changed my mind!!!" but all the hard work that I had put into this was not going to be wasted that easily.

The nurse tried to joke with me and talk to me as she carefully steered my bed through the halls of Riverside Hospital. Then we arrived at the operating room, where I was asked my name and birthday as well as what procedure I was having done. I was somewhat concerned by the last question, as I quietly thought to myself.. "You don't know what you are about to do to me?!!?" I am sure they just ask to make sure you are coherent enough to answer basic questions. I was then asked to climb onto the operating table where they made me VERY comfortable and covered me in the WARMEST blankets EVER and all my fears began to melt. The anesthesiologist began talking to me and he must have been administering his special juice because it was then I fell asleep.

Recovery was awful. I dry heaved at least five times as there was nothing in my NEW stomach to vomit. They gave me medicine to stop the vomiting or lack thereof if you will. I spent the next two hours with a nice nurse who was very compassionate and who quietly talked to me off an on and asked how I was. Our time was short as I was wheeled to my room on the eighth floor. Waiting there was my mom, Jill, and Bethany. I don't remember much about about my first few hours other then the nurse coming in and taking my temperature and blood pressure.

As evening pressed on I remember Jill being by my side and sitting on my bed beside me. I also remember her feeding me ice as I felt as though I was parched. I love her so much that she would stay there with me all day and feed me ice. Thank you Jill. Thank you for the bear and the card you got me as well. The next day was full of getting out of bed and going for walks around the ward and more poking and prodding from the nurse. Dr. Myers released me about 4 o'clock and I don't remember much of the ride home.

The first week was very rough. The first few days were good because of a pain pump that administered anesthetic every hour to the incisions making my whole stomach numb. Once that was removed everything changed. I was in quite a lot of pain, I felt sick no matter what I drank. The doctor had to call in prescriptions to stop the nausea. I cried a lot and wanted to just give up. I hurt and I missed the easiness of just eating whatever, whenever. I knew I couldn't give up because now my entire life had changed. My stomach is the size of a golfball. There is no going back.

Three weeks of liquids and things that will roll off a spoon is the the first phase which I am currently in. This stage will end on November 30th. Then phase two will begin where I will be able to eat pureed foods. Both phases will require protein drinks to bump up my protein each day. I have to eat 75 grams of protein per day. These two stages will end on December 21st. At that point I will begin to introduce real solid foods back into my daily regimen. Then it's just a life of making sure I am getting all of my proteins and water taken in each day.

People have been messaging me and asking me questions about this process and my thoughts on it. Would I suggest this procedure to someone who is wanting to lose weight? Yes and No. I researched this procedure and thought long and hard about this. It is a drastic lifestyle change. You are basically learning to eat all over again and it is by no means NOT EASY. This is not for everyone and I encourage you to really think it through. So far I have lost about 22 lbs SINCE SURGERY alone. I am close to 330 lbs now. That's in just over a week. The process is working and I know I will lose a lot more before it's all said and done. Would I do it again if given the chance? Absolutely.

I will post more as the weeks progress and I face more adversity and challenges. I am far from the finish line. I thank you for reading my blog and I hope I can be as informative as I can for those that might be considering having this done. If you have questions feel free to message me on Facebook or emailing me. I would be happy to answer any that you might have. Thank you again to everyone who has supported me through all of this and who continues to support me. You all know who you are. I love all of you. Till next time, that's all for now.

Pre-Surgery Jitters, Thoughts on the Pre-Surgery Diet and a Thank You

I really miss food. Today is day 5 of the liquid diet I am required to eat prior to surgery. There seems to be a method to this madness. The liquid diet consists of pretty much all protein, and no carbohydrates. The diet, in theory, gives you the necessary amount of protein through the day to live and maintain proper muscle mass while forcing the liver to use up the stored carbohydrates and sugars forcing it to shrink. The importance of shrinking the liver is so that it can be safely moved out of the way during surgery so the surgeon can do his thing. So, while I would never wish this diet on ANYONE, it has a purpose and I have been doing what I need to do daily during this difficult time.

Some of the naysayers are pointing their fingers and saying "Oh I am sure you will be fine and you will live", in their very selfish way. What people don't realize is that I am a 355 pound man that was eating probably close to 2000 calories a day on Tuesday to eating 600 calories a day via liquid protein drinks on Wednesday. This has not been easy by no means. To go to work and have a team meeting on my last day of work where the entire team is eating pizza and I can't eat any is quite difficult. To watch my family eat McDonald's while I can't eat any myself is very difficult. I am gonna have to get used to it though. This is the life I have chosen to lead.

I am a little bit concerned with everything that is going on in my life. Everything has happened so fast. My daughter and I moved into Jill's house yesterday. I am happy with that decision. It makes things much easier for both of us in that we can spend more time together and don't have to run back and forth between two houses anymore. It also means we will both get more sleep since we were staying up quite late trying to to squeeze in time for each other. It is something we have talked about and we agreed upon. I could not be any happier with my relationship with Jill and how things are progressing. I welcome the new life we have started together and I look forward to the next chapter in our lives.

With that being said, I am concerned that all of this is putting a burden on her and her son because of the timing of everything. She tells me that she is okay with everything and she is here to support me and be here for me in any way that I may need. She has always been very supportive of me and my decisions since we met. I guess maybe I should respect her decision in that she is okay with everything but I can't help but wonder if there are things she doesn't tell me. I don't want her to get stressed out trying to take care of me after surgery. I don't want to put additional stress on her and cause her more then she is willing and able to deal with. I love her very much and hold her to the highest possible regard because of how amazing she is. She means the world and so much more to me.

With about 30 hours to go until my surgery, the nerves are starting to creep in. I am scared, I am not going to lie or even try and sugarcoat it. A person who seldom worries about things I have no control over is worrying a little. It's a difficult process and I really have a lot on my mind. I know I seem distant at times when you try and talk to me. I am not ignoring you. I am simply lost in thought trying to work through some of the things running through my mind. I try and find things to distract myself because when I am not distracted I sit and think and my mind races. I hope if you are reading this and you are interacting with me in these last few days this helps clear some things up. Well, I may write more in the next day or so. Look for more after the surgery as I am sure there will be lots of thoughts and emotions post-surgery.

I ask that you keep me in your thoughts and prayers over the next couple days as I am really going through a lot. I thank all of you wonderful people that read my blogs and I thank each and every one of you that I can truly call my friend or family. I look forward to many years of of blogging and happiness. Goodnight.

Pre-Surgical Thoughts and Happenings

Today marks twelve days. That's two days shy of being a full two weeks. What am I talking about you ask? I am talking about the days until my surgery. My surgery is scheduled for Tuesday, November 9th at 8:30 AM. That is twelve days from today. This all began in January of last year and has been a long road of fighting with insurance companies, and doing many medical tests, and studies as well as a dietary regimen. Finally the results will be well worth all of the hard work and the fight to get to where I am now.

In recent months I have written blogs about the things I am struggling with and the feelings that go along with this whole process. I often think about the risks that I am putting myself through in order to have this procedure done but the risks of NOT having the procedure done far outweigh anything that could happen during or after the procedure. I thought I had come to terms with my own mortality several months ago, however a lot has changed in the last few months that really have caused me to question a lot of the things I was once comfortable with.

Some of you may be a long time reader of my blogs, and you know that I have a relationship with my father that has been very difficult for a number of years. One good thing about this process, is that my dad and I have began to develop and rebuild a relationship that has been non-existent for many years. I can still tell you that there is a lot more that BOTH of us could be doing to make things work but at least we are talking more now. We share things with each other about our lives and I even get to hear an "I Love You Son" when we end all of our phone conversations. I really do look forward to spending some time with my dad in the years to come. The distance between us makes that difficult but it's something I want and need to do. I think he feels much the same.

In addition to building a relationship with my father I have began to build a relationship with a wonderful lady by the name of Jill. We went to high school together, although she was a class in front of me and graduated in 1993 and I in 1994. We, have really gotten to know each other in the last month in a half. Things seem to be moving so fast yet they seem to be so perfect and so right. We share similar likes and dislikes, we both have children, and sadly we both have not so impressive former relationships. We love spending time with each other and things are going so good that I will be moving in with Jill into her home sometime in December after my surgery.

It is difficult for me to express in my blog how I feel about Jill. When I think about her I miss her, I get the butterflies in my belly that everyone talks about when they are "in love"... something is different with her then ANY of my past relationships. She makes me feel safe with her.. safe to talk to her and she accepts me for who I am with no strings attached. Likewise, she says the same about me. I think fate has brought two people together that have needed that special person who makes them feel truly happy and loved. I am thankful for her everyday and I want to spend the rest of my life with her.

With all of that being said, this throws me into the hands of confusion and needless worry. I have more to consider as I go into this whole procedure. The thought of EVERYTHING coming together in the last few months with my dad, and the fact that I have someone to be by my side through all of this and to love unconditionally in Jill make me worry about the things that you really can't control. What if I were to die during surgery... Would this be some joke for a higher power to torment so many people for the rest of their lives? Sure I will be dead.. I wont have a thought about any of this after I am dead.. but HOW CRUEL would it be to my dad or even Jill... or the rest of my family to go through everything I have went through and to finally reach TRUE HAPPINESS only for it to be taken from me?

I have come to terms with the fact of death. I cannot control when it is my time to die. I don't know when I will die. I personally do not think everything would be coming to the conclusions of happiness only for the sheer entertainment of a higher power to torment several people. I have confidence in my surgeon, and his staff. I believe he is more the capable to bring me through this procedure. I also have confidence that the good Lord will bring me through this procedure to the waiting arms of Jill and my family. I have doubts, I am human after all. I worry like everyone else. However, I try not to worry about things I have no control over. This is one of those such times. I try not to think about it.

I thank each and every one of you for reading my blogs. These blogs are helpful to me in that I can get things off of my mind and chest that have been bothering me. I think a majority of you share similar concerns regarding many of your own life struggles and challenges. Hopefully me sharing my thoughts on things I am going through will help someone else get through a difficult time that they may be having. If you are somewhat religiously inclined, I would ask that you say a prayer for me to get through the next couple weeks and the surgery. Even if you aren't, keep me in your thoughts. Thank you.

Surgery, Life, and True Love....

Greetings friends, it's been quite some time since I posted my last blog. This blog will most likely NOT be one of my normal blogs but you know.. Let's just roll with it an see what happens. There has been a lot of things happening since I last updated you on the mind of Friggen Ben. I will share with you that I am sitting here at work on Sunday, October 3rd during Conversion weekend. Unfortunately, things are a bit unorganized at the moment and I actually have a bit of free time to sit and organize my thoughts. I will caution the casual reader who has not read my other blogs that this may be a little more in directed and insightful then some past blogs. Either way.. I hope you enjoy this friendly look into my life.

I would first like to give an update to all of my friends/family that frequent my blog with regards to my surgery. I have completed ALL of my tests required for surgery. My Pre-Op appointment is scheduled for October 15th. My surgery is now scheduled for November 9th. I am super excited for that because it has definitely been a long road with lots of obstacles and hard work.

With that update out of the way, let me move on to the good stuff. I have met someone. Not just anyone. I think I may have actually met THE ONE... The one that EVERYONE seeks in their lives'... The soul mate that makes you feel as though nothing else in your life was ever as important... The one that makes your heart melt when you hear their voice... The one who you just can't wait to see again and spend time with... The one that just feels so right that you hope the moment never ends.

About a month ago, I was sitting at work and I was checking out the Facebook status messages for the day on my break and I stumbled on one from a nice woman whom I went to high school with. She was having a bad day. For whatever reason, I don't know what possessed me to do it, I felt the urge to check her profile page to see if she had a phone number listed. Turns out she did. So, with that phone number in hand I proceeded to text her with a motivating text in an effort to cheer her up and to try and bring a smile to her face... and the rest was history as they say.

That text on that day.. actually led to my very own text from HER the following day as I was having a bad day at work. The text was very nice and it did make my day sooo much better. It was then that we began to talk in the evening via text message. What started out as little conversations turned into lengthy conversations via text as well as Facebook chat and Yahoo messenger. I found myself staying up quite late EVERY night just for the chance to talk to this individual.

We met in person at a Mansfield Senior High football game for the first time in 16-17 years. It was nice to meet in person although it was a nervous, anxious time for both of us. We met in a more formal setting for dinner later that week and through the course of that week we talked and we talked and we made a connection that I have never made with ANYONE in my entire life. We shared things with each other that would normally take MONTHS to come out and talk about.

Throughout the last month, I can tell everyone that I think that.. let me change that.. I KNOW THAT someone special has came into my life. To have someone who respects me for me, who doesn't care about what I look like, or what flaws I might have, and understands that I am human and make mistakes, and also understands the hurt I have been through.. is refreshing. I have never met a more amazing woman. She is beautiful in every sense of the word, both inside and out. I would never imagine that I would find someone who is so special in my entire life.

I have been hurt very bad in my past.. and, having gone through that I have not allowed myself to open up too many people. The walls I hide behind protect me from being hurt, but generally they prevent me from getting too close to anyone. This woman has made it so easy to talk too... she has melted those walls... she has eased my fears and I trust her with my heart and I know there is something different about her. For the FIRST time in my life I believe I can say that perhaps I do believe in true love. I have never felt like this EVER!!

By now, I am sure you think I am a rambling fool... and you are right. I am a mess.. I have never felt like I do right now. Things seem so right. Things seem so good. Be happy for me. Be happy for us. Thank you everyone for the time you take to read my blogs. I could go on and on but I think this is a good place to stop. My next blog will be after my Pre-Op appointment. Have a good week friends.

Mortality, Trials, Emotions and Friends

Hello kids!!!! It is I Friggen Ben back for yet another walk through my head. It's been a busy couple of weeks since we last went for a walk. My dad made it through surgery okay. He had some complications after surgery but it looks like things are well on the path to recovery. So that is a blessing and I am very thankful for everyone that said a prayer or sent kind thoughts our way. Thank you.

I have been debating for a few days about writing a new blog. I got several things I really would LOVE to discuss but they are somewhat of a sensitive nature and I am just not sure anything needs to be said at this time. Drama has an awesome way of rearing its' ugly head from time to time and somehow I find myself in the middle of it all. I don't see the need to re-hash old shit even if it is quite entertaining.

With that being said let me share an exciting event that happened just last evening. As most of you know I do an internet radio show on BlogTalk Radio. Through the course of doing the show I have met some very wonderful people that I believe I can safely call my friends. One such individual goes my the moniker Doctor Anonymous. He happens to be a primary care physician in the Youngstown, Ohio area. We had been talking for over a year about actually sitting down one day over dinner and meeting in person and hanging out. Well, that actually came to fruition last night at the local Buffalo Wild Wings. It was about a 5 1/2 hour meeting and I honestly had a great time. Doctor Anonymous is a real class act and an all around great guy. I look forward to doing it again sometime in the future.

As you can tell I am all over the place with this blog but thus is the mind of Friggen Ben. I will be having surgery soon. I am down to one more nutritionist appointment which will be on July 30th. I imagine things will begin to progress rapidly from that point. To say I am not scared or nervous would be a lie. It's definitely a VERY BIG decision that I am undertaking for my life. It's a change in lifestyle and a sacrifice of many things in life that I really enjoy. This is what I want, and this is what I need to do for ME and for my family. This is not a spur of the moment decision as some seem to think. This has been an ongoing process with me for the last two and a half years. Lots of thought and emotions have been put into this decision.

The thought of surgery is a scary prospect for anyone. With surgery comes the risk that a person can die from a complication. This has actually been what is weighing on my mind lately. I must confess, it is not a bit enjoyable to question ones' own mortality. You might say I am taking this a bit too far or going a bit overboard with this but this is MY LIFE... this is ME going under the knife for a VERY risky surgery. Being obese makes me a high risk patient. Family medical history and the list of complications don't make this procedure any easier.

I took time off from BlogTalk Radio about the time the whole process of this started. I began to do things I ordinarily wouldn't do, such as hang out with a bunch of people outside of work at BW's and just all around try and enjoy life. I am trying to make the best of everything and I am trying to enjoy every minute of every waking hour while maintaining my daily responsibilities of working and being a father. I have been trying to spend as much time with those I consider friends in these last few months because who knows... these dinners, movies, etc may very well be the last few times that we can share together. You can call me morbid or taking this to an extreme but this is part of MY process of dealing with this and being able to satisfy MY emotions and MY feelings so that I can go into surgery without a care in the world. So if I am asking you to do something or hang out with me... consider it an honor because I consider you a friend and I want to spend that time with you. I understand people have to live their lives so don't feel as though you have to but it would be nice to spend a little time with you if you can find it in your schedule.

From an emotional standpoint, I have come to terms with my mortality. Where once I was afraid to die, I can look it in the eye and say if now is my time, then so be it. I have done my work here on this earth and I have experienced many things in my short life. Sure, there are so many more things I look forward too and I am not going into this at all like I won't make it through. I am confident in the skills of the doctor and the hospital to bring me safely through. However, if it is my time then I am ready.

I have always been a religious man. Sadly, I lost my faith some years ago and I have struggled to find it in recent years. Over the next few weeks I will begin trying to seek out answers I have been looking for and trying to mend that relationship with God. I do believe in God and I do believe that Jesus died for me on a cross 2000 years ago so that I can someday cross over into "heaven". I doubt like most people. I have questions. Lots of questions without many answers. I think I will be successful in seeking out what I have been looking for.

I guess if there is one thing I can ask from anyone who might read this. That's just be supportive of me. I may go through a period where I kinda become a bit unresponsive to everyone. I will most likely spend a lot of time keeping to myself, not really talking to anyone much. This is all part of the process with me and this is how I deal with overwhelming things. Please understand that. Nothing is wrong. I am just preparing myself for the things that are coming.

Thank you to everyone who is supportive of me and who I can really call FRIEND. I am thankful for each and every one of you. You all know who you are. Each of you are special to me and I hope I am as deserving on your side of things to be your friend. Thank you everyone. I think this is the best place to stop for now. I will probably begin to blog a bit more through the next few weeks. This is how I deal with difficult things and it seems to help. I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoy writing it. Till next time, that's it for now.

"Oh.... it's THAT guy"... Do I belong here?

Ever walked into a bustling room full of people who are conversating loudly and just all around having a good time only to be met by a strong sense of "Oh hi... I don't belong here?" or "Oh.... it's THAT guy?" If you have, were those people co-workers and "friends"? How did that make YOU feel? It's amazing how something so small and subtle can ruin your whole day huh? The best part of explaining that situation to someone is the excuses you get for that happening in the first place. Excuses like, "Oh I am sure they were pretty well tipsy by that point", or "They have a lot going on right now". The excuses of life and the justifications to go along with them... gotta love it.

How about spending a father's day with two of your children and not hearing "Happy Father's Day" from either of them? To make that same father's day even more memorable, how about not even getting to talk to your other two children at all because their mother is so irresponsible and can't afford to pay her bills so she has working telephone service... OR... she could just care less if her children talk to their father in the first place so she doesn't permit them to use the phone.

I received approximately 3 Happy Father's Day wishes on Sunday. One was from my friend Maria, one was from my friend Ann, and the other was from my friend Denise. None from my children, none from my family, and the ones I did receive were from friends. Friends that really didn't have to go out of their way to wish me a happy father's day but they consider me a good enough friend who they felt was deserving of the kind words. Thank you to all three of you wonderful and special ladies. It meant a lot to me, thank you.

On a day that was filled with relaxing and the constant whining of my daughter because she is always "bored" and never satisfied with life because she is an evil being known as a teenager, I did however get the privelage of calling my father and wishing him a Happy Father's Day. Something, I would NOT have done the previous year or the last several years for that matter. My dad is making an effort to be a part in my life even though he is so far away so I am trying to respect that in him and returning that. Things are going farly well so far and I hope to go down and visit him in South Carolina sometime soon. I'll save that for another blog though.

As I had such an interesting weekend with not so pleasant experiences it drives a person to do a lot of thinking when you have some idle time. As most of you know, I am a night owl and I seldom get to bed most nights until 1:00-1:30 AM. I enjoy the time between 11:30-1:30 because it is always quiet and it provides a great time to reflect on the events of the day. I often find myself quietly listening to my iPod and randomly selecting one of the many artists I listen to break the silence.

Conversations with friends over the last week have led to some interesting topics to think about. I have friends who are really going through a lot of stuff right now and it always saddens me a little to see such young people struggling with their relationships, work, and just all around life in general. Now, you would think I am like 80 years old or something the way I talk but I am only 34 years old and the majority of my friends tend to be in their early twenties to mid twenties with a few in the late twenties to early thirties. I just don't understand how some people deal with the things they are going through but the truth is.. I went through much of the same crap when I was about their age and a lot of it I went through more then once.

I begin to question whether I am really happy being alone. I have been alone for a while. I don't like being alone but dealing with more hurt and more crap is by far a deterrant to change that. I wonder to myself, why have things changed so much in the last 20-30 years? I have often spoke of my grandparents and how they were married over 50 years and it never stops to amaze me that they stayed together for so long. I know they had problems but they never considered divorce as a solution to those problems. It just seems to me that divorce or breaking up with someone in our day and age is the "easy way out" of a situation so you don't have to work for something you really care about.

Perhaps maybe I am assuming that people really are capable of caring? Perhaps that is where I have it all wrong. If people cared about the person they are with would they really do things to hurt them? Would you really be dishonest with someone you cared about? Would you cheat on someone you cared about? Would you hit someone you cared about? Where is respect, love, trust, honor, and commitment in today's relationships? Does it exist?

I think this is a good place to stop for this blog. Perhaps, if you are reading this you will do some self analysis and think about what I have said. There is a lot to think about here, I know, but if ALL of us would take something from what I was thinking then perhaps we all would be happier and have more healthy relationships. Thank you for reading yet another blog entry and till next time... Friggen Ben out.

Reflections, Updates and Maybes?

You know they say, "Time heals all wounds"? As soon as you figure out who "They" are we'll get together and compare notes. It's amazing how time makes a difference on so many things. For instance, 16 years ago yesterday, (June 7th), I graduated from high school. Six and a half months ago I started this blogging adventure to share what's on my mind and for people to get to know me a little better. I also find this to be very therapeutic in that I can get things off of my chest and vocalize things I have trouble talking about in person.

I wrote a blog on my birthday that really touched a lot of people, and I received a lot of feedback in regards to that blog. To refresh a few memories that blog consisted of my thoughts and feelings toward my father and how our relationship had grown very distant in the last 20 years of our lives. My life has changed since I wrote that blog. I can only assume that my father read what I had written in that blog at some point, because it wasn't long after I wrote that blog that we began to open lines of communication up and we really began to talk.

We have had several lengthy conversations over the last several months and I finally had my outlet to explain to my dad that I miss having him around and that I do love him because he is my dad. He seems to be doing a pretty good job of trying to communicate with me and likewise I return that gesture. He knows how I feel and have felt for many years and I think he finally understands how much he has meant to me. I even get an "I love you" from my dad now when we close our conversations. That means the world to hear my dad say that.

I just thought I would like to share that update with everyone who has read my other blogs because sometimes things do have a happy ending. I would like to note that we are still early in rebuilding a relationship again after 20 years of practically nothing. My dad is undergoing knee surgery at noon tomorrow. He has had his knees rebuilt several times now. He used to jog to keep in shape and unfortunately, that constant pounding on the pavement has taken its' toll on the knees. I will be saying a prayer for him about noon tomorrow. We chatted online earlier this evening so I at least got to talk to him a bit before he goes under the knife tomorrow. Thank you dad for your effort and time and I look forward to many more conversations. Good luck tomorrow.

I have a lot of things that seem to be running through my mind tonight. Unfortunately, I go through little spurts where the mind just decides to kick into overdrive and race for some unknown finish line. It's a very tiresome experience and it is mentally draining. I have come to the conclusion that this is my bodies' way of cleansing itself in order to cope with the rigors of dealing with life and the pains I face day in and day out. Pains which are both physical and mental. It takes a lot to get through a day anymore. Interestingly enough though it all seems to come back around to time.

My daughter, Bethany, is officially an eighth grader as of yesterday. I am so happy that she is back home with me. She is my world, and she is why I wake up and go to work every day. The sad reality of it all though is that I have 3 other children who are just as important to me. I get to see the youngest every other weekend and on holidays but I am not so lucky with the middle two. I don't get to talk to them because of the immaturity of their mother and her irresponsibility. She can't pay her bills and keep a phone turned on long enough for me to be able to call them on any type of routine schedule. I don't get to see them but maybe once a year if I am lucky. When I do talk to them or actually get to see them they are always so beaten down and depressed it is never an enjoyable time. This haunts me every waking moment and even finds me in my dreams causing me many restless hours of sleep.

I would like to thank Mike, Maria, Kelsey, and Winnie for the good times we have had recently. I have been going out to BW's, (Buffalo Wild Wings for those of you under a rock), on occasion and just hanging out to break the insanity of life. It means a lot to just kick back and relax with good company and forget about anything else for a while. I also would like to thank them for having the patience to deal with my daughter, who usually tags along and hangs out right along with us, because I know she can be very trying when it comes to the patience. She has as much fun as I do and we thank you.

When I am not hanging out with the awesome people mentioned above, I tend to do too much thinking. I have recently been talking to someone who I think I can consider a dear friend at this point. (?~?) <--- That's a secret code... hahahaha. Anyway, we have shared some awesome discussions over the course of the last few weeks. Our discussions tend to make a person think about how lonely a person is. At least, I know it has for me. The quiet and solitude of being alone has its' perks but I miss sharing my attention and my time with someone else. We all know how well the last few experiences turned out for me though lol.

I have lived a pretty hard life, and continue to face my own difficulties. I know others have had to deal with a lot more and we could all sit here and compare stories to see who really has it the worst but we might be here for a while. Life seems to rely on logistics and unfortunately my logistics never seem to be in the right place at the right time. Maybe someday I can finally be truly happy.. Maybe someday I won't be alone... Maybe someday I will find someone who actually cares and understands the importance of trust and love...

Well folks, I think that is enough reflection and sharing for one night. I thank you for your time as you read through my ramblings. I will try and update this again soon. My surgery is fast approaching and things are on track for an August surgery. Until next time, I leave you with one last parting word of advice. BEWARE THE SNAGGLETOOTH!!!!!

Update: Friggen BenQ's Bariatric Surgery Progress

Hi everyone!! Friggen BenQ here with some exciting information. As most of you know, I have been trying to get bariatric surgery approved for about a year or so in order that I can live a healthier and happy life and do the things I want to do through this weight loss surgery. It's been a long road of ups and downs, and as you know the insurance company I had last year denied the procedure. Well, with the merger of my company with another company we have switched insurance companies and I continued my fight to get this procedure done. On January 28th I heard from the doctor and was given the GREATEST news that my insurance WILL cover the surgery!!!!

You have no idea how excited I am to share this information with each and every one of you. This has been a long hard fought battle, and by no means is the journey close to being over. It is only gonna get harder from here. I am eagerly looking the challenges in the face and ready for the next trials of life to come upon me.

I ask that you be supportive of me during this time as my life is going to completely change in the coming months, both physically and emotionally. It's going to be hard and I am gonna need all the support I can get. Those of you I truly call friends I thank you for the support up to this point of my life and I hope you'll stick with me for what is yet to come. I may be away from Blogtalk Radio for a while as a result of all of this. I haven't forgotten you. I just need to focus on me for a while. Please keep in touch. You know how to find me, and if you don't, ask Jesse and he'll get you in touch with me. Thanks everyone!!

Friggen BenQ

Friggen Ben... The Lost and Forgotten..

Have you ever been so frustrated with something that it made you feel as though you were empty inside? This isn't a normal blog. I am writing right now because I am numb. I don't know what I feel. I don't know what I think. I don't know what I want. I don't know where I am going. I don't know what I am doing. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to express how I feel. I don't know I don't know I don't know.

I have a friend. Who confided in me some things today that completely left me at a loss. This friend means A LOT too me. This friends feelings are important to me.. this friend hurting makes me hurt. I cannot fathom what this friend is going through. I know I care A LOT about this friend and hope that this friend realizes how much I do care. I would do ANYTHING for this friend. I would go to the end of world and back just to say I did it for you.

I will not identify my friend.. for my friend would not appreciate that at all. I would like my friend to know however that I am here for you. Anytime, day or night.. rain or shine. You forgot me again friend. Is this how it's always gonna be? I am being selfish.. because you are going through some shit. Forgive me for being selfish. I just hope it's not always gonna be like that though. I try and try and try to be that friend only to be forgotten. I still love you though friend.

This day has been hard for me. I miss my kids today. I have rough days like this on occasion. I hope they are ok. I hope they are happy. I hope they miss me as much as I miss them and understand that I love them and wish I could be with them more. Yes I am crying. They are tears because I miss you. They are tears because I hurt along with my friend. Tears are supposed to be a way to heal. My heart is heavy.. I have so much running through my head. Do I sound crazy. Am I crazy. Why do you read this. Why do I write it. I write it to show you the mind of Friggen Ben.

I am confused... I am mad... I am angry... I am pissed... I am hurt... I am lonely... I am patient... I am compassionate... I am happy... I am here... I am me... I am lost... Am I smitten... Does God hear me calling for help... Does God exist... Does God care... Sleep escapes me... Mind is racing... Silence is golden I love the silence of the night... the quiet calms me but does not bring rest for the wicked... I am wicked... I am Friggen Ben... Do you remember me?

Happy Birthday Ben... Love Dad "This Blogs For You"

January 11th is my birthday. That's today. Happy Birthday to me. I am 34 years old today. Wow. I have been alive for 34 years and sadly I can't say today was a "special" day. My birthdays are quite honestly filled with hurt and pain more so then happy times these days. I always look forward to a new challenging year. The exciting twists and turns that life throws at me in each and every year. That however is NOT what this blog is about.

Let me begin by thanking a few people before I get into the "good stuff" of this award winning Page Six Blog. I would like to thank the many men and women who I can truthfully call my friends for sending me kind birthday wishes today on Facebook or who went an extra mile and sent me a personalized text message or even told me in person. Thank you each and every one of you special people. I would also like to thank a special friend, Maria, for spending the day BEFORE my birthday with me watching Avatar in IMAX 3D and for a great dinner at Applebees afterward. (I see you.. lol... yes, yes I know I am a scoun) I would also like to thank my dear mother who had a cake waiting on me when I got home from work.. candles and all.. lol She even was able to get me a couple of gifts. Thanks mom, I love you.

As much as each and every one of you dear friends mean to me, you cannot completely understand the emptiness I am feeling tonight as the hours wind down on this my 34th birthday. Why is there such an emptiness? Well let be try and shed some light on that emptiness so that you understand yet another part of me. So prepare yourselves as we travel into the mind of Friggen BenQ. Absent from birthday wishes today were those from my children. I did receive a call from them tonight. That always bring a smile to my face as I miss them A LOT. However, it wasn't until they were reminded by my mother that today was my birthday they remembered. I can overlook their mistake cause they are just that, children with more important things to worry about then the birthday of their old man.

The most noticeable person I did not receive a "Happy Birthday" from today was ... My Dad. Absent from an email, a card, a letter, or even a phone call was my father. You can say the same for last year, the year before that, and yes the YEARS before that too. I have not heard the words "Happy Birthday" come from my dads mouth since I was a young boy. Just to keep this historically correct there was a time when I would get a birthday card with a check inside with a very impersonal rushed note that simply said "Happy Birthday". One could argue it's the "thought that counts" but where is he the rest of the year?

My dad wrote me off years ago it would seem. He had his Air Force career, he had his 2 sons (my half brothers), and his wife (my stepmom), and I suppose he had me the son who was absent from sight and absent from mind. At some point in the last 20 years I fell of my dad's radar to never return. He lives in South Carolina and I live in Ohio. He knows my number and he never calls. I used to try and call but I am not gonna try when I am the only on trying. Why bother. We have went the last 20 years and if I were to take a wild guess we have seen each other maybe a TOTAL of about 2 weeks out of the last 20 years. I guess I just am not good enough. I guess my kids just aren't good enough.

My dad does not know my kids. Like me, he has chosen to not be a part of their lives and you know what? I don't really give a shit. You have missed out on the best years of their lives, watching them grow up and become what they are today. They are great kids and yet you don't know a damn thing about them. What they like, whose personality they take after, what they aspire to be when they grow up. You have missed out on my life.. I have missed out on your life. I have missed talking to you. My life is shit and if I never amount to anything you'll never know cause you already feel that way about me anyway. I am that son you wish would just go away. The thing that makes me mad about it all is the fact that I love you because you are my dad. I wish you would take some initiative to know your grandkids and some initiative to spend some time with me before you die. You're not getting any younger and you most certainly are not gonna be here forever. I am 34 years old. You don't have to raise me, I am a man now. Life has taught me the lessons I need to know to get through the next day. Life has taught me that people can be mean, and people take everything for granted. You have taken my life for granted and one day you aren't going to be here.

I am 34 years old and I still long to have a dad. I still long to talk to MY dad, and spend some time with MY dad. I NEED to hear "Happy Birthday Son".... I NEED to hear "Good Job Son"... I NEED to hear "I am proud of you son". I probably never will. Guess what? I blew candles out on a cake tonight that said I was 34 years old and I made a wish. I hope my wish comes true. Happy Birthday to me!!! Here's to another year!!! Thanks dad it's good to hear from you too. This blogs for YOU!!

*** NOTE *** Since posting this blog, I have received a birthday card from my dad with a personal note written inside. Perhaps maybe he read this blog and it got his attention. I am not going to get too excited over a card but I will confess it was a nice gesture and perhaps a start of opening some lines of communication.